Category Archives: Jokes

Don’t mess with seniors

A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room of his local surgery and approached the desk.

The receptionist said, “Yes, sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?”

He replied, “There‘s something wrong with my Johnson.”

The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”



“Why not? You asked me what was wrong, and I told you.”

The receptionist replied, “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private.”

“You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full of strangers if the answer could embarrass anyone,” the man said. Then he walked out and waited several minutes before reentering.

The receptionist smiled smugly and said, “Yes?” “There’s something wrong with my ear.”

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. “And what is wrong with your ear, sir?”

“I can’t piss out of it.”



The lesson: Mess with seniors, and you’re going to lose.

Irish Diet

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, then eat regularly again for 2 days then skip a day.  And repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.’
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 lbs!



‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded…’I’ll tell you though, be jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat ‘tird day.’

‘From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.



‘No, from the f**kin’ skippin’!”

Its all about nuts

This is a genuine Ad from 1964 when WD-40 first released ….
If you don’t read anything else today this one it might make you laugh out loud.

How to fix Brexit

brexitGrumpy old folk
Letter to Mrs. May – Genius!!
Dear Mrs. May,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing Brexit.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to Eurocrats, that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan.
You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force.
Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:



1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings – unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car.
Ten million cars ordered – Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage – Housing Crisis fixed
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university – Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week …..
And there’s your money back in duty/tax etc
It can’t get any easier than that!
P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.
Also…..
Let’s put our pensioners in jail and the criminals in a secure nursing home.
This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They’d receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they’d receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them.
A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education.



Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ’s and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600.00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.
Think about this (more points of contention):



Could you please taste this for me

Could you please taste this for me

I went to my nearby Pharmacy, straight to the back, where the Pharmacists’ high counter is located.
I took out my little brown bottle, along with a teaspoon, and set them up on the counter.

The Pharmacist came over, smiled, and asked if he could help me.
I said, “Yes! Could you please taste this for me?



Seeing I’m a senior citizen, the Pharmacist went along with my request.
He took the spoon, put a tiny bit of the liquid on it, put it on his tongue and swilled it around.
Then, with a stomach-churning look on his face, he spat it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he was finally finished, I looked him right in the eye and asked: “Now, does that taste sweet to you?”
The Pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled: “HELL NO!!!”
I said, “Oh, thank God! That’s a real relief!My doctor told me to have a Pharmacist test my urine for sugar!”
I’m not allowed to go back to that Pharmacy, but I really don’t care, because they aren’t very friendly there anymore!